Outward Looking

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Outward Looking


Another hello, to hollow your soul

Another reminder of all that once was

A restless night, it won't help

Another attempt to find what's been found

You go outward looking, you're inward searching

You go outward looking, you're inward shaking

You go outward looking, you're inward hurting

You go outward looking again

The past is gone, it's never too far

It catches up, knocks you off guard

With distant pictures, come distractions too

As their deconstructed, caught and renewed

You go outward looking, you're inward searching

You go outward looking, you're inward shaking

You go outward looking, just barely hanging on

Outward looking again

I see you in the places, faces, streets and states

And I feel you creeping up on me, sweet sorrow and pain

Every change is a chance, you know that chances have changes

Every change is a chance, and I can change

Every change is a chance, you know that chances have changes

Every change is a chance, and I'll take the chance to change

Well, I will change

You go outward looking, you're inward searching

I go outward looking, when I'm falling apart

I go outward looking, still missing all meaning

I go outward looking for what's already found

For what's already found


Saudade

April 28, 6:25AM

Replaying: I never know when or where I'll see you next. It is to live a life of perpetual uncertainty. It was summer, in mid December, when I saw you last. I was walking through the streets, among those looking for desire, among those hoping to feel alive, among a false energy. It was then I saw you. I turned off for a few minutes, as lost in meaning as I was geographically. I turned away and remembered running every chance I got, as much of a free spirit as one that was looking to be free -- if only it could be so simple to detach from the peripheral noise.

I saw you in a college town on a fall afternoon. You were excited by simplicities as if to remind me that the world waits when we are together -- to slow down as nothing else mattered. Suddenly, I remembered that I never lived in the moment, but always thought about what it all meant -- what pressure that created instead of lighthearted playfulness.

I was in a nouveau bar off the boulevard. The bartender said I looked as if I could use a drink, to help me forget or remember, hiply sending me one out of courtesy as if she knew. Everyone over there is living a parody, and it's true that the dreamers are more sad then the rest of us. Still, you were with me as I spiraled in and out of conversations with those that still felt something. It's a group that is disappearing more and more with time. For an instant , I felt hope, the same hope I felt every time that your eyes burst with joy -- the look that said you had something special.

I saw you in a park to end a late night, lost with strangers from places I have never been. They told me of a different way of living, sensing my apparent tension.

We were eating in the only shop left open at that time, talking about growing up, where we were going, and a future return home -- I wanted more than anything to feel that embrace.

I was climbing the last hill, excited and ready to finish what I started, ready to begin to right my wrongs, ready to follow through instead of stopping right before life's beginnings. I saw you and wondered when I would see you next.