Mixed Messages Day 30: I'm Not A Fraud

It was 9:50pm on a Friday night. Where did the time go? Two hours into creating, I was in rhythm, I was alive. The late session led to a two hooks, two wonderful melodies. I was ecstatic. Deep down I knew I was becoming less self-conscious, that I was giving my voice to the song without thinking. But then in the middle of creation, in the middle of a vocal line, I thought about my latest rejection, and why I was rejected. The rejection made no sense, and it was the senselessness of the rejection that bothered me. It made me withdraw, and pull away from the art. Within seconds, flow was interrupted, and bliss was replaced with distance.


All I felt like doing was reaching out and letting her know that I wasn't a fraud, that I could prove it.


This year we've been regularly rejected as musicians. I'm collecting articles from the bloggers and other industry professionals that have determined our work didn't strike a chord, that it won't resonate with their audience. On a personal level, I've had quite a bit of rejection, too. The latest rejection really got to me on a personal level. Often, rejection makes you feel like a fraud, like you're not good enough. It raises questions, and can interrupt healthy rituals that take months, if not years to build. It can make you overly aware and self-conscious. Most of all, it can make you retreat and go back into hiding.


It's hard to turn the shoulder, and move on. Mostly because deep down, I value empathy. So to turn away, and not be bothered, well that goes against my fundamental beliefs: I don't want to look back in five years and realize that somewhere along the way I became cold and calloused. Yet, when I personalize rejection, the art suffers. Where is a healthy balance? Is it possible to be compassionate and deeply aware without letting the noise get to you?


When feeling like a fraud, when others stop talking to you, or stop listening, or turn away, that's an opportunity to continue. If you quit, if you hide, you'll prove them right. By quitting, you'll have no fundamentals, no base to back up what you're saying. More than that, no one has ever done anything worthwhile by worrying about what others thought of them.


After a night of rest, I woke up today and thought, who cares what those that don't understand think. All I can do is be who I am, and make what I love. I'll let the work speak for itself. If that's not good enough for someone else, so be it. And if I'm wrong, time will tell, but even with my blind sports, I believe in the process.